The Neanderthal woman

Around 100,300 years ago: I lived with my tribe in a cave in today’s Turkey. I had three children, but I spent most of my days taking care of my youngest, a baby boy. I had had him when I was old enough to enjoy the company of men. I was also more emotionally mature then, so I was more capable in containing and showing my motherly love. It was perhaps for that very reason that I was utterly heartbroken when I lost him. It happened when I was expecting it the least. It was summer time; the kindest and most beautiful time of year, when we would go out in groups of women to gather fruits for ourselves and our children.  I slept that night visualizing the blue skies and the delicious fruits that were waiting for me out there. The image brought a smile to my lips as I fell asleep. And then I woke up to a completely different reality. At first all I could feel was a gut-wrenching anxiety. A few moments passed until I realized why I was feeling that way. I had woken up with what I thought was the sound of rain, only to realize that it was in fact my child’s ragged breathing. His face and arms were burning, and he was not responding to my voice and crying. I sat there with him for three days. When the moon showed itself for the third time, he stopped breathing. Women came to me and sat with me as I sat beside my dead child, showing their sympathy and sorrow through their mournful silence and bowed heads. I was too consumed by my grief to notice their presence. Eventually some elders and young men came and gently took him outside to be buried. Now I felt as if there was a big hole in the middle of my chest which I hadn’t noticed was there before they took him. Nothing could take away my grief and sorrow, not even the flowers that my tribe put on the pile of dust where my child was buried.

Life changed completely after that. I was stationary most of the days, as I couldn’t find the will to move or do things. I would remain on the same spot all day and fall asleep right there at night. I was not responding or reacting to the world around me. I wouldn’t even move a muscle to keep myself warm or fed. Most days it was women of the tribe that took care of me and my children who were left alone as I was not capable of anything that required attention or physical movement. I had lost the will to survive, and as we lived in a dangerous environment, it could easily end up with the death of myself and my two children if it wasn’t for the protection and mercy of other members of the tribe.

This however was not the end for me. As they say, nothing stays the same forever, and it was true even over a hundred thousand years ago. At first I did not notice it when he got close to me, as I wasn't paying attention to the world around me. He however was too persistent even for me not to notice. He was a young man of the tribe who had recently joined the hunting group. He would bring me meat from the hunts, staying there to make sure I ate it. He would also keep an eye on my children as they would run around, playing with an ant nest or chasing a bird. Those days I wouldn’t notice their absence, as I spent all my days staring at the sky and chasing the clouds. Drowning myself in daydreaming was my escape from the reality I couldn’t bear. I noticed the young hunter more distinctly as he started bringing me little gifts; flowers, shiny colorful stones and once even a dead bird. As his attentiveness intensified he became another object besides the clouds for me to look at. He was good to look at too; with a soft skin that had not wrinkled yet in the long hours of hunting under the sun, and eyes that glowed with the curiosity of a young man who enjoyed his life. Gradually he became my connection to the present reality, and as if noticing that, he started getting closer. He would try to have mental and emotional contact with me through gazing into my eyes and touching me. At first I resisted, turning my head and refusing to look at him but eventually I gave in, though now I would resist internally; slipping into daydreaming in his presence and ignoring him mentally. My numbness and absence from the reality was still my number one companion, still closer to me than my own breath, but I knew better than trying to resist a young male in a more obvious way, especially since I knew by then he was particularly passionate and persistent in achieving what he wanted. So I would wait for him every day in my corner of the cave to bring his gift of the day and do what he wanted with me.

Days passed, I saw sun and moon many times moving from one side of the sky to the other. One day I went out of the cave for the first time after a long time. As my eyes got used to the daylight, I saw my children playing, and I couldn’t help smiling. They had grown so much without me noticing. More days passed and I would go out now every day to play with my children. When the clouds began to darken and the grounds went wet, my belly rounded out. Next time the clouds went pale again and the grounds dried, I had a new child. She brought me joy and happiness, so much so that I felt more alive than I ever had before. I loved her more than all my children including the one I had lost, as I knew she had come to save me from a fatal grief that I could not put behind me. I started taking care of my children and those of others’ as well to show my gratitude to mothers who had taken care of me and my children when I wasn’t in this world.

Days passed. Winter came and then it was summer again. My little daughter was growing fast and life was good. And then, THEY came. We had seen them before from distance as they were coming to live in an area close to us. At the time we had decided not to attract their attention, and soon we were going to find out exactly how much we were better off that way. They were taller than us and had slender legs and arms. We called them Long Ones. That day as they were getting close, we had a chance to have a better look at them for the first time. They had soft skins and had their faces and chests painted on with red and white colors. Their skulls were elongated and relatively round on the top. What gave us a shock however was none of that. As they got closer we realized they had ornamented their necks and arms with necklaces and bracelets made of bones. To our utmost horror did we realize those were bones that belonged to people like us. We were still in shock when they started slaughtering us. Next thing I knew I was bathed in my own blood, with my neck broken and my stomach open. The last thought that passed through my mind was an image of one of them wearing my finger bones around his neck as he was going to slaughter another tribe. I imagined my fingers squeezing his throat before he could reach them.

It was a completely different story when I got out of my body. The fear and pain disappeared – as it always does- and I knew there was nothing to worry about, though I was now angry. Then typical to my most after death moments, I was distracted as I went through a phase of being grossed out by the fact that how ugly I had been. This time it was worse than ever, as my body and face had been savagely crushed and broken by Long Ones. They attacked us when our men had gone hunting, so the slaughter went swiftly -since we had no means of defending ourselves. Nevertheless they had taken their time to decorate the entire cave with our blood and intestines.

With some difficulty I forced myself to turn my attention from the messy scene and focus instead on the whole lifetime and what it had been about. Only to realize it was pointless. I couldn’t think of anything but pain and suffering that I had endured. All I could see was a lifetime of endless fear and loss and my exit had not been better either. At the same time I couldn’t help being embarrassed in front of my guides as I noticed them being looking at me with quiet, polite expectancy. I knew why. Life lessons were not to be given as lectures, but they were supposed to be self-obtained; brought to realization by the very individual that experienced them. On the other hand I was not completely awake yet, still being haunted by and processing my violent death. I would not admit it, but surreptitiously I was considering going back and haunting those tall bastards who had decorated our cave with our internals. I had tried sincerely to fathom what the point of such painful and violent life and death was, but I hadn’t succeeded. I heard my higherself sigh.

“Yes?” I asked, exasperated and half taken by surprise.

“Seriously, can’t you see? It’s obvious,” answered my higherself sounding equally annoyed and with a movement I could sense to be similar to eye-rolling.

“What is obvious is that I had to go through a lifetime full of pointless pain and utter powerlessness again. Nothing can be gained of such suffering when you don’t even have enough thinking power to learn something out of it. 

“But there is a lot to be gained. Every soul goes through such lifetimes, even those who took your life with the delusion of having power. Come on now, you’re out of the body, free from the limitations associated with the physical experience. You can see if you let go of emotions. Both the invader and the victim go through this game to understand the value of boundaries. That’s why every soul experiences both sides, so that they could get the point from different angles. You have done the same many times before, and perhaps you will do it again as I’m sure you already know the value of such lessons (to this, I actually rolled my eyes. My higherself continued, deciding to ignore that). Still can’t see how much you have gained? And it’s not just that. Have you forgotten the research you started on this particular life form before you go, and that living among them as one of them was a part of your methodology? It was your own suggestion to do that, and I thought that it was a brilliant idea. I still think it was. Now come one, think about it. Release the flow of emotion. I know it wasn’t an easy experience, but you were completely aware of that too. You were, in fact, so excited about your research and the speech you’re going to give in the galactic council conference that you didn’t even give much thought to the hardships of living as a Neanderthal woman.”

“Oh…I…” was all I could say, still struggling with my emotions but also remembering my research and realizing that I had completely forgotten about it to this point. With that the flow of memories started pouring into my mind and washing away the coarse emotions. This was so confusing.

“So why don’t you tell me what you think now, dearest extension of mine? And don’t worry; time is nothing but an illusion of the 3^rd density, so you’re not wasting any of it here,” continued my higherself patiently, as if not noticing my confusion.

I thought about the whole thing again, and it was right there before my eyes. I had gained so much more than mere material for my research. The most valuable lesson of that lifetime was that nothing is permanent. No loss brings permanent grief, and no wound causes everlasting pain. At any given moment of our physical experience, how we feel inside is our choice regardless of what happens outside.

With that thought I glanced at my guides again and saw them smiling with satisfaction. I couldn’t help smiling too. I nodded at them as I turned towards the library to continue my research about Neanderthals, making a mental note to express my concerns to the council about the other species I had encountered. Someone needed to do a profound research on them before their descendants could achieve technological power. Any civilization containing the violence that those “Long Ones” were capable of would be doomed. The thought made shudder. “Ah let it go for now,” I thought to myself, “you’ve had enough worrying for ten lifetimes.”